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Shouldn’t have posted anything about what was going on last night on fb. Ugh. Can’t even say my brain is being stupid partly cuz something awful happened to me without everyone being like OMFG PTSD THERAPYNOWRAH! Ugh. Yeah. My anxiety is sometimes slightly worse for now. FOR NOW. Most of the time it’s fine. I’m fine. I don’t give a fucking fuck that I got raped. I refuse to give power to that. I don’t get anxious about that. I think of it less and less as time passes. I get worried about my boyfriend and knowing he’s okay at the end of the night. Something I’ve been anxious about any drinky show/night out that we’re not together to take care of each other. Pretty normal shit. Sometimes he falls asleep before confirming that he’s safe and sound and ya know not dead. This particular fear is a good bit more heightened right now considering my biggest nightmare scenario happened to me not him. So now that fear is kinda larger and harder to talk myself out of knowing that it absolutely can happen to you or the person you love most in the world. It probably won’t. But it can. So taking that into account and the fact that I already have bad anxiety brain problems from time to time, and a month after the worst case happened to me, a month that I have only briefly been separated from Benji and spent every night with him and yadda yadda blah blah blah toss a lil separation anxiety on top because yeah we’ve been together for a month straight while I’ve been dealing with my shit slowly. Yeah okay it sucks and its not pleasant but not hearing from him before he went to sleep while knowing he’s drunk and in some far off city just kinda fucked me up for while. There was lots of sobbing and circular thinking and fun anxiety attacky irrational bullshit. It fucking happens. The frequency of which this happens to me these days is very very low. But you know what, I get to have a fucking anxiety attack if I have to do that. And if I stupidly post something while having that attack. It’s not anyone’s place to be like you’re crazy get help! Cuz Fuck that. Yeah some times I’m not okay and I fucking hate feeling like that, absolutely hate it. But I know how to get myself back to okay. I’m not stupid. I know when something has affected me and in exactly what way. A fear I already had is quite a bit worse now. Anxiety I have always had my whole life even when I was a lil lil kid, is at times worse and slightly less reined in right now cuz I need to make some new mental reins and cages for things that get to me. Sucks that I have to do that. It takes work and time and a lot of mental strength to do those things. Yeah it takes some god awful nights to learn just how tightly tied up that shit needs to be in my head. So basically, don’t get all up in my emotional shit, it annoys me more then almost anything and I’m stubborn lil bitch and I’ve fixed more mental issues on my own then anyone has any clue about. The terrors my brain has put me through in my life are worse then anything another person could ever do to me. That’s why what happened is not important to me.
It’s less about my boyfriend being gone for a week and more about the levels of anxiety I’ve been going through this week and since he left. Cuz it’s the kind of anxiety that just washes over you and everything you do and say. And it’s the kind of anxiety I almost never deal with anymore, I get anxious about work or something going on that’s not dealt with yet our something. But it’s always been about actual things for a really long time. Like I haven’t had this level of for no reason not about anything specific anxiety since high school when I dealt with and overcame a lot of my anxiety problems. So curling up and crying and feeling like I can’t move and feeling weird and uncomfortable at times around anyone, even people I see everyday, and just not feeling okay, is just awful. And Benji has been keeping this in check since everything happened. And him being gone is like going a week without a drug that keeping you sane. So it’s just difficult. Cuz I feel like a burden to everyone else. /: It’s difficult for me to reach out even when a bunch of people are like hey come hang out. And it hasn’t always been like this, and I know this is like a weird post rape emotional bullshit thing. Cuz I’ve spent plenty of time away before and been fine on my own, I’ve left to go on trips way more then Benji. I missed him plenty but I wasn’t ever like this. And I feel like an ass for texting him being all upset several times a day cuz I don’t want to make him feel bad or guilty for going on tour he agreed to do months ago. And getting to get out of Michigan for a while which he’s been antsy to do for most of the past year. He’s just my person, and I’m going through a lot of shit right now and I’ll always want him to help calm me down before anyone else.